Andotheranswerstounsolicitedquestions。

Image:anokarina

“Artreallymakesmefeelstupid。

IknowIshouldlikeit,butIalwaysfeellikeitismakingfunofme。

WhatcanIdo?

AmIanunsophisticatedmoron?

”?

—?

Artless?

Artie

No。

Youseemlikeanormal,thoughtfulperson。

Artprobablyismakingfunofyou。

It’snotyourfault。

That’sallthat’sleftforarttodo:makefunofgood,seeminglythoughtfulpeople。

Artcansometimesbefun,Ithink,ormaybethat’smostlynostalgia。

Isfunmostlynostalgia?

Rememberingwhensomethingelsewasfunandconfusingthatforcurrentfunnow?

Probably。

But,listen,itcanbefuntowalkaroundinChelseaonthenightsofmanyopeningsandallthosedifferentgalleriesbetween10thand11thorwhatever,goingupthestairs,backandforth,seewhatcheesethey’resmokingacrossthestreet。

Artissupposedtobefun,Ithink。

Artcanalsobekindofpretentiousandannoying。

Andit’spossiblethatmaybeyourtastesarebanal。

Ormaybeeveryone’stastesarepredictable。

IfyoupaintedaCareBearwithapieceofbacontattooedtoitsstomachyoucouldprobablyhangthatinMOMArightnow。

I’masnostalgicasthenextguy,butthegoldentoiletisprobablynotasgoodapieceofartasthecrucifixintheurine。

They’rebothnotgreat,but“PissChrist”probablywinsoutastheclassier?

gesture。

TheAmericanArtistbrokebadwiththeAmericanArt-goingCrowdalongtimeago。

It’sanindelicatebalance,thedisdainartistsmustfeelfortheviewingpublicwhilealsosimultaneouslyneedingsomethingunwinnablefromthem:support,money,fame,cocaine,models,love,whatever。

Theartmuseumusedtobetheonlyplaceintownyoucouldgoandseenakedpeopleandhaveitnotbelikeaweirdorgy。

Nope,that’sjustart。

Nakedpeopleeverywhere。

Eatingpears。

Reclinedinfields。

Walkingdownstairs。

Bouncingastheygo。

Nowartprojectsarelikedumpingcricketsonyouwhileyou’reonthesubway。

Likeeveryartprojecteverislikethis。

Goaheadandcheck。

It’syourdime?

pal。

So,no。

Youarenotamoron。

Atleastnotforthisreason。

AmericanArthasfailedyou。

Feelfreetomutterthisloudlytoyourselfasyouwanderthroughgalleries。

ItwillmakeyouimmunetotheshadeAmericanArtisthrowingyourway,withitssarcasticbigblueblotchesorwhateverthey’redoingthesedays。

JustblowyourInstagramphotosupuntilthey’re6feettallandthat’severyphotographyshowintheworldrightnow。

UntilwecanonceagainlickthepaintingsinboundlesssolitudeIsayscrewArt。

Televisionistheonlyartthesedays。

Feelfreetomutterthatwildlytoyourself,too,asyoumarchthroughallthedifferentlayersofnostalgia。

It’snottrue,butshoutitatdinnerpartiesanyway。

Art’snotdead,it’sundead。

Thezombieapocalypsehashappened!

Andit’sdevouredyou!

Feelfreetoshoutthat,too。

Likeyou’reinanart?

project。

Image:DaveBleasdale

“HowscaredisitOKformetobe?

”?

—?

Afraid?

Dave

Itreallydependsonhowyoudealwiththatfear。

Fearcanbegreat。

Iamafraidoflosingmyjob,thereforeIshowuptoworkatthebookstorewhenIamontheschedule。

IamafraidofmakingbabiesduringsexsoIcomeinmypantsinlike10secondsafterwestartmakingout。

Yes,thatwaspartofmyplan。

Iwastryingtodothat。

Andyou’re?

welcome。

Ifyourfearmakesyoulikeahatefulannoyingperson,Iamnotforit。

Ifitmakesyouthinkthereisanusthatcanbev。

them,that’sjustnotamechanicalbullIfeellikeriding。

Orevenhavingmomentaryclothes-onsex?

with。

It’sOKtobescaredenoughforyoutocallyourmomalittlemoreoftenjustbecauseyou’reafraidthatyou’llbekilledonthesubwaybyacrazypersonwithcricketswhoisreallyjustdoinganartproject。

Orfrightenedenoughthatyou’renicerto?

people。

IfallasleepeverynightandamsurprisedwhenIwakeuptheverynextday。

Stillasme,inthissamebody。

Doesthishappentoyou?

You’relikeyouforyourwholedamnedlife!

It’saverystrangesensationandIdon’trecommendit。

Iprefertothinkthateveryoneelseintheworldisactuallyjustplayingarole,hopefullyadifferentoneeveryday。

OnedayyougettobeBono,thenextmybusdriver。

Andthatsomehowitallcentersaroundmeinsomeimportantway。

Idon’tknowwhyeverythingcentersaroundme。

Myexperiencesareprettyboring。

Theymostlyrevolvearoundhot?

dogs。

So,fine。

Befrightened。

Everyoneisfrightened。

Wearealljustpretendingnottobefrightened。

Justdon’tstartacult。

That’sjustawholelotofresponsibilityyoudon’twant。

Takeitfromme,TheGreatZulgothfromthePlanetErwok。

Letmytentaclesofwisdombeyour?

guide。

JimBehrlelivesinJerseyCity,NJandworksinabookstoreandisnolongertheleaderofa?